You desire a nemesis, I long for a feud

We are not the same

Friends, let us rejoice! Madonna and Elton John have ended their decades long feud. In a lengthy Instagram post, Madonna spoke of her hurt at comments John made about her, before saying that he’d begged forgiveness at an SNL recording and ending by teasing a future collaboration. I was not aware of this feud, and was disappointed in myself for a second. I am a scholar of feuds, an appreciator of the art. How had I not known about two musical icons dragging each other into old age? That was before I read what Elton John had said about Madonna. Here are some choice excerpts:

“Madonna, best live act? F--- off. Since when has lip-syncing been live?…Anyone who lip syncs in public on stage when you pay 75 pounds to see them should be shot. Thank you very much."

“She’s such a nightmare. Her career’s over...and she looks like a f***ing fairground stripper. She’s been so horrible to Gaga.”

At this point, I realised two things. The first was that Madonna is a far better person than me, which isn’t a thought I’ve had before. The second was that I’d not missed a thing! What the press is calling a feud was simply a case of one person being mean to another. Repeatedly. That is a petty person’s happy hour. Nothing to see here, move along.

A feud is something way more fun. Blistering loathing, unvarnished hatred, all fueling two people in their quest to outdo, outlive, outshine the other. Take Normal Mailer and Gore Vidal who came to physical blows twice, once on national television and the other at a party for Princess Margaret (she was an old bitch, I guarantee she had some promising feud leads if only she’d had any ambition). After Mailer took a swing at him, Vidal remarked “Norman, once again words have failed you.” There is a story - possibly apocryphal - that Vidal, knowing Mailer would check immediately, once included his rival's name in the index of one of his books. Under it were simply the words: “Hi Norm.”

A feud is Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, sparring their entire careers and providing us with some of the iciest insults ever uttered, including this from Davis: “(she) slept with every male star at MGM—except Lassie." Or what about sisters Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland, who detested each other right up to Fontaine’s death aged 96. Even that was a seen as a chance to feud, with Fontaine saying: “Olivia has always said I was first at everything—I got married first, got an Academy Award first, had a child first. If I die she'll be furious, because again I'll have got there first.” Bragging about dying first is peak feuding.

Modern day feuds are usually fairly lacklustre. Sure, Noel and Liam Gallagher have a good go (Noel on Liam: “He's like a man with a fork in a world of soup.” Liam later posted a video showing him eating soup with a fork), but they really do seem to want to batter each other senseless, and the ongoing tension feels less like a feud and more like sibling trauma. I’m not even going to bother touching on other recent feuds in the pop world. Mostly they’re brief and uninspired, whipped up in order to create headlines. There’s really nothing more embarrassing than stan armies going after each other online. To me, armed with a doctorate in the subject, this is distinctly un-feud.

Much has been written about the benefits of having either a nemesis or an archenemy (this piece by Chuck Klosterman is a great place to start if you currently and inexplicably have neither) but having a nemesis is solo work. Oh it’s honest work for sure, but it’s lonely. A feud requires two people to really lock in and commit. Most of us will never be lucky enough to have a real feud. A real feud involves similar energy, the stars aligning, a sprinkle of magic!

At this point, you may be thinking that you have experienced a feud. You have not. Having a decade long argument with the girl who slept with your ex is not elegant, you are fighting over a man named Simon who works in an almost embarrassingly mundane job and has definitely at some point worn brown shoes with a grey suit. Please, invite her out for dinner and mutually resolve to never mention his name again.

Some rules:

The feud must be reciprocal. There’s absolutely no point in starting one with someone who doesn’t have the drive and energy to match you. Imagine polishing up your best cutting remarks only to hear them stumble over a “your mum” retort. What a devastating waste of time.

The feud must be between you and someone of similar success in order for the tension to hold. Preferably they should be in the same line of work. You cannot choose to engage in a battle to the death with someone who’s far outpacing you. Don’t bring a reusable water bottle to a gunfight and expect to emerge victorious ladies. You’ll end up wet and dead.

The feud must be funny. There’s literally no point in doing it without humour. Take AS Byatt and her sister Margaret Drabble. Two writers, estranged for most of their lives. You might call it a feud but I think it’s just sad, mainly because when they talked about it, it was clear it stemmed from childhood favouritism. No fun. Instead, look to Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow for inspiration. Here’s the lifestyle guru on the rise of Goop:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

I’m going to tell you what Gwyneth did, but brace yourself to like her a little bit more than you did ten seconds ago. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, skip ahead. She published a recipe for “jail bird cake,’ seen by many as a dig at Stewart, who served time for obstruction of justice. Now that’s funny.

The feud must nourish you. There’s no point in starting one if the whole endeavour makes you insecure or weepy. A feud must spur you on, give you a reason to live, a purpose in your sad aimless life. It should make you live to 105, purely out of spite (unless you’re Joan Fontaine and then it must kill you before your feudee). Supposedly kindness is contagious, but what good is that to you? Spite can move mountains, it can conjure up miracles. The ‘be kind’ brigade has taken the lead in recent years but unadulterated spite is an underrated quality. Be prepared to embrace it if you choose to feud.

The feud must be public. If you hate scroll someone’s Instagram feed, muttering to yourself in the dark, you are not fit to feud. This is having a nemesis and as we’ve discussed, merely an entry level position. You must commit to slinging insults and dirty looks in public. The people deserve a show, it’s not just for you but for them and if you don’t appreciate that, then you might as well just spend your days on Tattle. You’re not made for this life. That’s OK, not everyone is, but don’t waste our time.

The feud must be long. Do you want a satisfying career? A family? Hobbies? If you answer yes to any of these then a feud might not be for you. Think carefully about your work life balance here. The feud is not work, that’s a common misconception made by idiots. The feud is life. Can you give it your all? Can you forsake everything else the future offers up and really prioritise living in a way that fuels the feud? Only a blessed few can. Know yourself. Back yourself. Be the feud you wish to see in the world.

The feud must be glamorous. You cannot maintain it in Crocs and athleisure wear. You’ll be dead in a ditch before you’ve even got going. Dead in Crocs, is there a worse way to go? And how will your feud partner feel? Insulted, that’s how. How dare you think they were the kind of person to feud with a Croc wearer? They were willing to give their best years to this feud goddammit!

I am tempted to begin my own feud, but the circumstances would have to be just right. Another writer perhaps, someone who’d be willing to put in the work required to keep it going. Writers are desperately insecure and have a way with words so the formula is all there. The problem is finding someone on my own level. I daren’t reach too high and pitch a feud to someone more successful than me (Dolly Alderton, you can ignore my overly optimistic feud invitation and instead have your pick of opponents).

This is my formal summons to other authors. Are you in desperate need of some procrastination? Do you have a deadline looming you’d like to ignore? Reveal yourselves and offer to feud with me. I’ve been training for twenty years. I’m oiled up with nothing but time. Let’s go.

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