This is bang on!!! I’ve been told for years that I am strong, sensible, reliable, resolute... it’s all meant really positively... but actually puts a lot of pressure on me to never show weakness. I’m always the one to break bad news, sent to the awkward appointments. Left to deal with the troublesome issues. Because “your so good at these things”. But it is hard. Sometimes I want looked after, coddled. When my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when she was 53, I was 29, she said “don’t worry, I’ll not be hanging around to haunt you. I know you’ll be ok. So I can move on without worrying about you.” It was meant as a joke. But it made me feel like I HAD to be ok. I HAD to move on too. And I didn’t feel ok.
I try to not put these “labels” on others. My son or my younger sister. But we all fall for it. It’s not just about “give a dog a bad name”. Sometimes a *good* name can be just as effecting.
Also. Totally agree re Lupin. Can’t wait for more.
For days and days, I've put off reading the email with your newsletter in it. The little red notification almost making fun of me for not finding the headspace and time to concentrate on something longer than 2 paragraphs. And now, the evening before my first ever therapy session, I read about lables and narratives that surround us. You speak of things that broke me over the course of this pandemic and let me to pick up the phone and (finally!) call a professional to talk about my issues. Now, I sit on my couch and feel like having a tiny epiphany moment about my own life and about the lables that I always thought were meant to accompany me throughout my whole life. Lables I got in my teenager years and lables I tried to live up to since.
Thank you, for writing these words and thanks to the universe for making me read them at exactly this moment.
It's so tricky this labelling business. In a family of four girls it was certainly a thing which we all suffered from. I also think being stuck in circumstances beyond your control can turn you into a certain type of person, one which you are forced into.
For example, growing up my father died when I was coming up to five years which left my mother with four girls and no husband. Me and my twin were forced to go looking for a job in London before our 16th birthday due to lack of money.
I feel we were pushed into a situation where we had no tools or communication skills to deal with the path we had to take. I just felt so shy and intimidated at work, so to compensate put on a 'cocky, know it all' face. Totally pushed into a personality I didn't want. Trying to act confident and in control, when in reality your knees were shaking. Had no guidance or any sense of my real self - literally just pushed through dark times and hardship hoping my 'false self' would carry me through.
I'm not sure if this is what you mean Bella, but it certainly struck a chord. I won't even go into the pigeon holes us sisters were shoved into by the adults in our life. I just feel because of this start in life I can't really pin down what I'm supposed to be or how to act ....... x
Yes!! It actually took me seeing this play out with my niece to realise it. Hearing how my family lovingly and joking but constantly ascribe characteristics while losing nuance and acting as though these things are set - 'that's just how she is'. I all of a sudden felt the pressure she doesn't know she is under to be the lovable rogue. How people saying she 'doesn't care / just wants a laugh / is less sensitive than her sibling' probably won't make for an ideal environment later down the line to show her vulnerability or whatever she may be outside of those things. And I realised I only knew that inherently because it had been the case with me! Not to mention the other signals we absorb from the quiet concern or the gentle ribbing of the people we love!
It's amazing how long it takes us to work ourselves out. For years people said I lacked confidence. That definitely affected my willingness to put myself forward for things.
But in the last few years, I realised that actually I do have a lot of confidence in myself, but constantly get the "No, you/that's wrong" response which I would accept. Not any more! Although, when presented with online evidence of my 'rightness' in a disagreement, the other person accused me of trying to make them look like a liar by going online so sometimes i just cant win 🤷🏻♀️
There's a book that touches on this topic called Untamed by Glennon Doyle, she talks about how she had been 'tamed' or rather told by society who she was, who she should be, what she should want etc which led to destructive behaviour and getting to rock bottom before realising who she actually was. She does has a bit of a tendency to waffle on, but there are some gems in the book that I think you would appreciate :)
This is great! Thanks so much for sharing. After trying different forms of therapy, the most effective one for me was a narrative therapy approach which took this stance, looking to use what “stories” other people had about me and the effect this has. It was honestly absolutely liberating to hear someone tell me “you don’t need to be x/y/z because that’s what you were at 8”. As an example, I had been told I was bad at change by well-meaning members of my family for my whole life, it was making me so anxious in advance of ANY change that I’d seek to avoid it despite lots of evidence I managed it perfectly fine as an adult on multiple occasions. Thanks again for sharing.
This is great, highlighting how much more than these labels we are just by acknowledging them as labels and not descriptions with no room for nuance. I feel like a caricature of myself if I feel unable to let myself contain multitudes, so much healthier to be a bit of everything good, bad and ugly.
This is bang on!!! I’ve been told for years that I am strong, sensible, reliable, resolute... it’s all meant really positively... but actually puts a lot of pressure on me to never show weakness. I’m always the one to break bad news, sent to the awkward appointments. Left to deal with the troublesome issues. Because “your so good at these things”. But it is hard. Sometimes I want looked after, coddled. When my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when she was 53, I was 29, she said “don’t worry, I’ll not be hanging around to haunt you. I know you’ll be ok. So I can move on without worrying about you.” It was meant as a joke. But it made me feel like I HAD to be ok. I HAD to move on too. And I didn’t feel ok.
I try to not put these “labels” on others. My son or my younger sister. But we all fall for it. It’s not just about “give a dog a bad name”. Sometimes a *good* name can be just as effecting.
Also. Totally agree re Lupin. Can’t wait for more.
For days and days, I've put off reading the email with your newsletter in it. The little red notification almost making fun of me for not finding the headspace and time to concentrate on something longer than 2 paragraphs. And now, the evening before my first ever therapy session, I read about lables and narratives that surround us. You speak of things that broke me over the course of this pandemic and let me to pick up the phone and (finally!) call a professional to talk about my issues. Now, I sit on my couch and feel like having a tiny epiphany moment about my own life and about the lables that I always thought were meant to accompany me throughout my whole life. Lables I got in my teenager years and lables I tried to live up to since.
Thank you, for writing these words and thanks to the universe for making me read them at exactly this moment.
It's so tricky this labelling business. In a family of four girls it was certainly a thing which we all suffered from. I also think being stuck in circumstances beyond your control can turn you into a certain type of person, one which you are forced into.
For example, growing up my father died when I was coming up to five years which left my mother with four girls and no husband. Me and my twin were forced to go looking for a job in London before our 16th birthday due to lack of money.
I feel we were pushed into a situation where we had no tools or communication skills to deal with the path we had to take. I just felt so shy and intimidated at work, so to compensate put on a 'cocky, know it all' face. Totally pushed into a personality I didn't want. Trying to act confident and in control, when in reality your knees were shaking. Had no guidance or any sense of my real self - literally just pushed through dark times and hardship hoping my 'false self' would carry me through.
I'm not sure if this is what you mean Bella, but it certainly struck a chord. I won't even go into the pigeon holes us sisters were shoved into by the adults in our life. I just feel because of this start in life I can't really pin down what I'm supposed to be or how to act ....... x
Yes!! It actually took me seeing this play out with my niece to realise it. Hearing how my family lovingly and joking but constantly ascribe characteristics while losing nuance and acting as though these things are set - 'that's just how she is'. I all of a sudden felt the pressure she doesn't know she is under to be the lovable rogue. How people saying she 'doesn't care / just wants a laugh / is less sensitive than her sibling' probably won't make for an ideal environment later down the line to show her vulnerability or whatever she may be outside of those things. And I realised I only knew that inherently because it had been the case with me! Not to mention the other signals we absorb from the quiet concern or the gentle ribbing of the people we love!
It's amazing how long it takes us to work ourselves out. For years people said I lacked confidence. That definitely affected my willingness to put myself forward for things.
But in the last few years, I realised that actually I do have a lot of confidence in myself, but constantly get the "No, you/that's wrong" response which I would accept. Not any more! Although, when presented with online evidence of my 'rightness' in a disagreement, the other person accused me of trying to make them look like a liar by going online so sometimes i just cant win 🤷🏻♀️
There's a book that touches on this topic called Untamed by Glennon Doyle, she talks about how she had been 'tamed' or rather told by society who she was, who she should be, what she should want etc which led to destructive behaviour and getting to rock bottom before realising who she actually was. She does has a bit of a tendency to waffle on, but there are some gems in the book that I think you would appreciate :)
This is great! Thanks so much for sharing. After trying different forms of therapy, the most effective one for me was a narrative therapy approach which took this stance, looking to use what “stories” other people had about me and the effect this has. It was honestly absolutely liberating to hear someone tell me “you don’t need to be x/y/z because that’s what you were at 8”. As an example, I had been told I was bad at change by well-meaning members of my family for my whole life, it was making me so anxious in advance of ANY change that I’d seek to avoid it despite lots of evidence I managed it perfectly fine as an adult on multiple occasions. Thanks again for sharing.
This is great, highlighting how much more than these labels we are just by acknowledging them as labels and not descriptions with no room for nuance. I feel like a caricature of myself if I feel unable to let myself contain multitudes, so much healthier to be a bit of everything good, bad and ugly.