Things I am afraid of

Bicycles, bow ties and death!

My parents dying.

Men who wear gilets - of any sort. Those of the fleeced variety wish to be extra warm as they drive too fast around corners in their Range Rovers. Those of the padded variety are wont to use slurs in casual conversation, while the Moleskin types look right past you to talk to your husband. All are terrifying.

People who go on long journeys without headphones. Their mental health is either so strong that they have no empathy for the suffering of others, or so weak that they’re liable to kick off at an air steward for not being allowed to bring peanuts onto the plane.

Those shoes which have individual toe pouches.

Men who sit next to you on empty busses.

People who actively like Gails Bakery. Why. Why do you like expensive hard bread?

Men who drink Huel.

Stairs with open backs. Will my foot fall through the crack? No. Does my brain insist on screaming every time I have to climb said stairs, as if I’m in mortal danger? Yes, yes it does. I would like them to be outlawed by the government.

Wasps. I am a vegetarian, I do not buy new leather, I will not kill spiders. Mostly, I think animals are better than humans in every possible way. Except wasps. I truly believe them to be malevolent. Apparently they’re vital to the ecosystem, and we’d be overrun by insects if we got ride of them entirely, but I’m prepared to suffer the consequences. It’s not like we live in Australia, where every other creepy crawly seems intent on killing you, we could cope. I think we should at least acknowledge their general air of malevolence, and open up a conversation about driving them off our island.

Men in large groups. Let’s say more than three.

Riding a bicycle. I have mentioned before that I cannot do it. Oh, I learnt as a kid of course, I’m not a weirdo who missed out on that seminal moment in childhood where the training wheels come off. But I have forgotten how to do it in the many decades since, and I am very afraid to try again because it seems FUNDAMENTALLY UNLIKELY that a person can stay upright for a long period of time on two wheels. Four wheels? I’d be all in, but two is Victorian. It’s a relic of the past when we didn’t have vaccines or the right to vote. It was the best option then but I feel strongly that we could do better in 2025.

Men who tell women to smile but it comes out like a threat.

The England flag.

Falling over while running. To stack it dramatically every once in a while is inevitable, but the fear never goes away. Every step I take I’m thinking, is it now? Is right now the moment I trip, stumble forward and slam my face into the concrete? Sometimes I find a blessed patch of grass and am able to enjoy a run without this thought, but then I’m aware of divots, which bring their own risks (rolling ankles, the very idea makes me nauseous).

Men who look like they might secretly support Fathers 4 justice.

My basement (not a euphemism).

My own brain. At any moment I am in danger of having terrifying thoughts which wind me with their intensity. Supposedly this is an effort by my brain to protect me, but it’s hard to be grateful when it throws up a hundred scenarios to worry about every day, most of which will never happen to anyone, let alone me.

Someone I love no longer loving me. See also: Greg leaving me for a yoga girlie half my age.

Men who think there are two species of women - those you date and those you marry.

My dog dying. 50% of my personality wiped out right there. More damage than a direct hit from an asteroid.

Espresso Martinis. Caffeine and alcohol, but make it taste like dessert? An invention only a few rungs down from the nuclear weapon. Every time I’ve had one I have made insanely bad decisions, and even a decade on, I still cringe in horror to think of them. Right now, someone in the world has just finished one of these evil things and is delusionally confident that they can handle another. After the second they are inevitably going to have a third and then make a decision so seismically stupid that it’ll impact their life forever (it’ll be a bad tattoo or a bad shag). I am worried for them.

People who call a home a ‘property.’

Whether I’ll wake up at fifty and regret not having a child.

The loss of universal truth and the rise of conspiracy theories leading to far right leaders elected all over the globe.

Eyebrow lamination.

Men who call themselves young at heart while dating women half their age.

Growing old.

Not growing old.

People with joint email addresses.

Men who make too many jokes about their wives being scatty.

People who think Costa coffee tastes good. The benign explanation is that their taste buds are irretrievably damaged. The malign one is that they are training for some kind of world ending event they’ve not told the rest of us about. Suspicious.

Scaffolding.

Men who want to hurt women but don’t know it.

People who put up passive aggressive signs outside their house. So tightly wound they’re liable to snap one day and drive their car through your living room window. Case in point:

Bow ties. Too jaunty not to be hiding a dark secret.

Men who say “as a father of daughters…”

People who hide their hatred of trans people behind a fake concern for women. Those who’ve got a lot to say about a vulnerable 0.5% of the population who just want to live their lives, but have nothing to say about issues that really threaten women.

People not buying What A Way To Go (in paperback, out this Thursday).

Accidentally walking past influencers filming content.

Men who.

Adults on scooters.

Men.

Things you fear:

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