It's so interesting to get your view on this Bella. I think the one point missing is that unkindness is a sliding scale - you're right that the far end involving bullying and threats, but that doesn't mean mocking comments about trivial things like fashion are therefore insignificant. It's all relative.
The blog also misses the point that no person is all evil. Even if they do terrible things, it doesn't mean every ounce of them is terrible and it certainly shouldn't give a free pass to lambasting their clothes or image.
Respect it is your opinion and this is mine, but I think these are important points which haven't been encorporated enough.
Completely agree about the importance of nuance. I think a lot of people mistake the work “kind” for the word “nice.” True kindness means having empathy, and a kind person respects someone when they are feeling shit and want to shout about it. Forced niceness doesn’t leave people room to express themselves. It’s not healthy, in my opinion. I think a kinder world is a place where we allow people to occasionally (safely, constructively) argue, fight, disagree.
I think this is perfectly put into words. I cannot express how much I hate the hypocrisy of the 'be kind' statement, people will only use it to fulfill an image of being a caring person. I know this can be a controversial term, but 'snowflake' has been bashed about enough to define the millennial generation, I would personally dub the entire world in it. When issues become directed at 'a woman', then you are an anti-feminist even if they are support Trump. When you highlight that a FTM transgender person has toxic behaviours, people attack you for 'trans bashing'. People are too caught up in the equality, when in actual fact there is no equality when you excuse bad behaviours.
As someone who is prone to chronic people pleasing, I found this a very thought provoking read and I admire your honesty. We're all human and of course we can all be mean spirted sometimes. While I would never bully or harrass someone, I have been guilty of swallowing my true feelings and opinions about people in the past, for fear of other people's perception that I am mean or unkind. I think this is something that women especially can feel very afraid of. It's interesting to me because, above all else, I want to be authentic and it seems that in order to achieve true authenticity I need to accept that sometimes I'll fuck up, sometimes not everyone will agree with me and not everyone will like me and that's okay......(expect it's not really as I would worry about it beyond belief!), but it's something that I am exploring and working on each and every day. Thank you for writing this piece Bella!
Wow okay ...this was an I thought provoking read and made me question and reframe my thoughts ... I am not certain exactly what I want to say , because to be honest your writing has given me an alternative argument that is eloquent, thoughtful and leaves me to revisit my own views on this subject ... maybe like all areas of life it isn’t black or white where we sit bit in the grey mucky middle that isn’t as easy to define ... I juts wanted to say I enjoyed reading it and it’s making me think a lot and have a good internal monologue tussle
Hi there, unfortunately I have nothing intelligent to add to this article/discussion except to say I loved it and completely agree. I do have a question however about the painting at the bottom, are you able to tell me who it's by? For some reason, it has triggered a memory in my mind and I'm trying to place where I have seen it before. This might sound mad but I recognise those fish! Having some more information on the picture might help me track down where I've seen it before 🙈 Thank you!
Late to reading this but so glad I did. I'm so tired of 'be kind' being a shield behind which people can hide their shitty, questionable behaviour. 'Be kind' = Don't ask questions or challenge my behaviour. It dilutes the whole idea of kindness and shuts down the idea of any sort of open, constructive dialogue. Where does it end? I commit a crime and ask the jury to 'be kind'?
This was a very interesting read, thank you. I completely agree there is a marked difference in behaviour on the internet, and for me, intent is the driving factor. If someone’s aim is to cause personal upset, hurt or harm, that is utterly wrong and needs policing. A comment or post which sets out to highlight something you disagree with - that’s the joy of free speech and a free society. Not everywhere in the world has the benefit of that.
Humour is SO important; yes it’s subjective and personal, yes it can be hard to convey tone virtually, but let’s not police flippancy or sarcasm. Let’s police aggressive nasty trolls, racism, abuse and bullying.
Key to remember I feel, is elected public figures, influencers, celebrities, all hold a degree of responsibility and accountability for their actions. They should be setting the example if they’re representing the nation and making the rules. They should be using their ‘influence’ to create a better society. Calling these individuals out on their actions is valid and important. There’s very different motive there than uncalled for, unkind words intended to belittle or bully. There is no attack on them personally, as human beings, but on their actions or words when they are wrong.
Consider topical comedy panel shows like Mock the Week, Radio 4 Dead Ringers; they scrutinise through humour, generate important conversation and highlight failings in our society and its leaders - a very separate motive and one where ‘Be Kind’ misses the point. They’re not being ‘unkind’, they’re holding our public figures and society accountable.
For me, this topic is part of a bigger conversation about free speech, the internet and social media that globally we are grappling with. This is all food for thought, and waters we need to navigate carefully if we want the internet to be a positive, productive part of our society.
I did see your story which mocked women in Trump's family for their style and agree with the criticisms you received. Asking to judge someone on their actions rather their appearance isn't saying “Be kind, we don’t know what’s going on in their lives”, in fact it's the complete opposite. It says, yes, we do know what is going on in their lives, so let's talk about that, rather than the shoes they wear.
The fact that you're so upset about wholly understandable criticisms, maybe suggests that there's a part of you that sees some truth in them.
You say these women support a "sexist" man that is Trump, but then you use methods that Trump himself would use to tear women apart, against those women themselves: their appearance.
Let's all try to be a little less Trump, whilst also talking about how his behaviour, and those around him, can cause harm.
Thank you for this. There is a difference between constructive criticism and unkindness. These influencers are a great example, I've seen plenty of people I know on Instagram flouting lockdown rules and hosting house parties and I think that in part is down to seeing people who are going bigger by going to Dubai and getting away with it.
I really enjoyed reading this, it was very thought provoking and I completely agree with the points you’re making. I find it frustrating to see comments to ‘be kind’ in response to valid criticism about things that are absolutely not kind - disingenuous influencers positioning themselves as relatable, BFF-type figures in order to flog all sorts of rubbish to their followers from some exotic location and/or extremely spenny property during a pandemic, while many are struggling, is what immediately springs to mind. That said, the line between valid criticism and downright nastiness is not always clear, so considering in what way an off-the-cuff comment might be received and the impact it might have on any potential recipient is important. All in all, I love receiving this newsletter - already looking forward to the next one!
My brain really enjoyed reading this. I don’t have anything fancy to say but I couldn’t agree more with your thought provoking questions. You write what you think wonderfully. People are allowed opinions and it is a free for all online ( a good and bad thing in my opinion) but there is of course a fine line between “what a shit jumper” to death threats about advertising a green tea. I also want to see the picture now of Mr Johnson, why must I do that to myself 🤦🏽♀️
Criticism and hate are completely different but can be confused when there isn't tone online etc. so I think that's valid. I like that you've defended dark jokes and snark but also admit that if it crosses a line, it's understandable that you'll be criticised.
However, if you aren't willing to listen to critics in case there is a reason behind the context of why the joke's insensitive e.g. someones death, then it would be an overlook on your part and make you out of touch with things - this goes for anyone of course.
So I do think, if criticism is to be valid, it can't just be #BeKind by itself, but actually constructive with reasoning. Saying all this, I can imagine how tiring it is to have people follow you for your humour and then not appreciate it.
I've followed you for nearly a year and not found anything problematic as far as I've read of your stories and posts. But I can imagine that with more people online and for more time during this pandemic, it's created baseless critics. Keep doing you and thank you so much for all the mental health articles/personal stories articles you've shared.
It's so interesting to get your view on this Bella. I think the one point missing is that unkindness is a sliding scale - you're right that the far end involving bullying and threats, but that doesn't mean mocking comments about trivial things like fashion are therefore insignificant. It's all relative.
The blog also misses the point that no person is all evil. Even if they do terrible things, it doesn't mean every ounce of them is terrible and it certainly shouldn't give a free pass to lambasting their clothes or image.
Respect it is your opinion and this is mine, but I think these are important points which haven't been encorporated enough.
Completely agree about the importance of nuance. I think a lot of people mistake the work “kind” for the word “nice.” True kindness means having empathy, and a kind person respects someone when they are feeling shit and want to shout about it. Forced niceness doesn’t leave people room to express themselves. It’s not healthy, in my opinion. I think a kinder world is a place where we allow people to occasionally (safely, constructively) argue, fight, disagree.
I think this is perfectly put into words. I cannot express how much I hate the hypocrisy of the 'be kind' statement, people will only use it to fulfill an image of being a caring person. I know this can be a controversial term, but 'snowflake' has been bashed about enough to define the millennial generation, I would personally dub the entire world in it. When issues become directed at 'a woman', then you are an anti-feminist even if they are support Trump. When you highlight that a FTM transgender person has toxic behaviours, people attack you for 'trans bashing'. People are too caught up in the equality, when in actual fact there is no equality when you excuse bad behaviours.
As someone who is prone to chronic people pleasing, I found this a very thought provoking read and I admire your honesty. We're all human and of course we can all be mean spirted sometimes. While I would never bully or harrass someone, I have been guilty of swallowing my true feelings and opinions about people in the past, for fear of other people's perception that I am mean or unkind. I think this is something that women especially can feel very afraid of. It's interesting to me because, above all else, I want to be authentic and it seems that in order to achieve true authenticity I need to accept that sometimes I'll fuck up, sometimes not everyone will agree with me and not everyone will like me and that's okay......(expect it's not really as I would worry about it beyond belief!), but it's something that I am exploring and working on each and every day. Thank you for writing this piece Bella!
I came only to say that I thought I was the only one who didn’t get anything from the boy and the horse book!!
Wow okay ...this was an I thought provoking read and made me question and reframe my thoughts ... I am not certain exactly what I want to say , because to be honest your writing has given me an alternative argument that is eloquent, thoughtful and leaves me to revisit my own views on this subject ... maybe like all areas of life it isn’t black or white where we sit bit in the grey mucky middle that isn’t as easy to define ... I juts wanted to say I enjoyed reading it and it’s making me think a lot and have a good internal monologue tussle
Awesome writing! Keep going as I think you're fab!
Hi there, unfortunately I have nothing intelligent to add to this article/discussion except to say I loved it and completely agree. I do have a question however about the painting at the bottom, are you able to tell me who it's by? For some reason, it has triggered a memory in my mind and I'm trying to place where I have seen it before. This might sound mad but I recognise those fish! Having some more information on the picture might help me track down where I've seen it before 🙈 Thank you!
Late to reading this but so glad I did. I'm so tired of 'be kind' being a shield behind which people can hide their shitty, questionable behaviour. 'Be kind' = Don't ask questions or challenge my behaviour. It dilutes the whole idea of kindness and shuts down the idea of any sort of open, constructive dialogue. Where does it end? I commit a crime and ask the jury to 'be kind'?
This was a very interesting read, thank you. I completely agree there is a marked difference in behaviour on the internet, and for me, intent is the driving factor. If someone’s aim is to cause personal upset, hurt or harm, that is utterly wrong and needs policing. A comment or post which sets out to highlight something you disagree with - that’s the joy of free speech and a free society. Not everywhere in the world has the benefit of that.
Humour is SO important; yes it’s subjective and personal, yes it can be hard to convey tone virtually, but let’s not police flippancy or sarcasm. Let’s police aggressive nasty trolls, racism, abuse and bullying.
Key to remember I feel, is elected public figures, influencers, celebrities, all hold a degree of responsibility and accountability for their actions. They should be setting the example if they’re representing the nation and making the rules. They should be using their ‘influence’ to create a better society. Calling these individuals out on their actions is valid and important. There’s very different motive there than uncalled for, unkind words intended to belittle or bully. There is no attack on them personally, as human beings, but on their actions or words when they are wrong.
Consider topical comedy panel shows like Mock the Week, Radio 4 Dead Ringers; they scrutinise through humour, generate important conversation and highlight failings in our society and its leaders - a very separate motive and one where ‘Be Kind’ misses the point. They’re not being ‘unkind’, they’re holding our public figures and society accountable.
For me, this topic is part of a bigger conversation about free speech, the internet and social media that globally we are grappling with. This is all food for thought, and waters we need to navigate carefully if we want the internet to be a positive, productive part of our society.
I did see your story which mocked women in Trump's family for their style and agree with the criticisms you received. Asking to judge someone on their actions rather their appearance isn't saying “Be kind, we don’t know what’s going on in their lives”, in fact it's the complete opposite. It says, yes, we do know what is going on in their lives, so let's talk about that, rather than the shoes they wear.
The fact that you're so upset about wholly understandable criticisms, maybe suggests that there's a part of you that sees some truth in them.
You say these women support a "sexist" man that is Trump, but then you use methods that Trump himself would use to tear women apart, against those women themselves: their appearance.
Let's all try to be a little less Trump, whilst also talking about how his behaviour, and those around him, can cause harm.
Thank you for this. There is a difference between constructive criticism and unkindness. These influencers are a great example, I've seen plenty of people I know on Instagram flouting lockdown rules and hosting house parties and I think that in part is down to seeing people who are going bigger by going to Dubai and getting away with it.
Really well written and thought provoking article.
I really enjoyed reading this, it was very thought provoking and I completely agree with the points you’re making. I find it frustrating to see comments to ‘be kind’ in response to valid criticism about things that are absolutely not kind - disingenuous influencers positioning themselves as relatable, BFF-type figures in order to flog all sorts of rubbish to their followers from some exotic location and/or extremely spenny property during a pandemic, while many are struggling, is what immediately springs to mind. That said, the line between valid criticism and downright nastiness is not always clear, so considering in what way an off-the-cuff comment might be received and the impact it might have on any potential recipient is important. All in all, I love receiving this newsletter - already looking forward to the next one!
My brain really enjoyed reading this. I don’t have anything fancy to say but I couldn’t agree more with your thought provoking questions. You write what you think wonderfully. People are allowed opinions and it is a free for all online ( a good and bad thing in my opinion) but there is of course a fine line between “what a shit jumper” to death threats about advertising a green tea. I also want to see the picture now of Mr Johnson, why must I do that to myself 🤦🏽♀️
Thank you Bella for a great piece of writing.
Criticism and hate are completely different but can be confused when there isn't tone online etc. so I think that's valid. I like that you've defended dark jokes and snark but also admit that if it crosses a line, it's understandable that you'll be criticised.
However, if you aren't willing to listen to critics in case there is a reason behind the context of why the joke's insensitive e.g. someones death, then it would be an overlook on your part and make you out of touch with things - this goes for anyone of course.
So I do think, if criticism is to be valid, it can't just be #BeKind by itself, but actually constructive with reasoning. Saying all this, I can imagine how tiring it is to have people follow you for your humour and then not appreciate it.
I've followed you for nearly a year and not found anything problematic as far as I've read of your stories and posts. But I can imagine that with more people online and for more time during this pandemic, it's created baseless critics. Keep doing you and thank you so much for all the mental health articles/personal stories articles you've shared.