When I was in my worst bout of depression I remember very clearly how much I wished I could just die. I would drive to work and fantasise about getting hit by a truck and it all being over. Or cross the road and hope the bus driver just made a horrible mistake and hit me.
I remember talking to my psychologist about it because I used to have to fill out a “depression questionnaire” every time I was there for them to somehow measure my “level” of depression. The question was always “are you suicidal?”, I always answered no. I didn’t want to commit suicide. I wanted to die, but I didn’t want to be responsible for it, I wanted to be gone but not for it to be my fault.
I don’t know if the system has changed now but I always felt the distinction was very important but not taken very seriously. I think these feelings can be overlooked because someone isn’t actually actively thinking about killing themselves. I wasn’t taken seriously by my doctor because I didn’t actually want to kill myself. This felt so wrong to me and I think it took me a lot longer to get the help I needed because of it. I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences.
This was actually very difficult to write down but hope that, like you, if someone reads it and it helps somehow then it’s worth it.
Thank you for writing this. It’s such a good point. I was also asked if I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t but I didn’t want to live. And for me, an anxious person above all else, that was completely terrifying. The idea that I no longer cared was so foreign and scary that it should’ve been ringing alarm bells for experts but because I didn’t “have thoughts of self harm” it wasn’t.
I work in the system and sadly it hasn’t changed 😔 Everyone has to have a “score”. We still have to note down whether people have intention or a fixed plan, but are less concerned when they report total indifference which to me is just as frightening.
You’re so right Ashley - it’s an important distinction that is still (in my experience) overlooked, having felt the same. I hope you are feeling more at peace now.
I genuinely can’t thank you for how much you share. I had never heard anybody describe anxiety in a way I could identify with before…I sobbed in a car park when I finished Jog In and realised I wasn’t mad, or dying and I have moved my body consistently since, it helps so much and I think of the impact of that book regularly. ❤️ x
The way in which you describe and express your MH is so refreshing and incredibly helpful to others. Keep on doing what you’re doing Bella. You have helped me understand my daughter who does not wish to articulate her feelings towards her own MH :(
Keep writing about it Bella. What you write makes me feel more normal. I’ve had the rollercoaster of anxiety /depression and ocd (mainly pure O, although I do love to check the odd light switch, cooker knob and door lock for good measure) for the best part of 25 years and over that time I have learned to cope with all the crap it throws at me. 2 years ago I hit a new low with a panic attack on a motorway. It was approximately 8 minutes to the nearest junction, it was 10.30pm at night, pitch black, and no hard shoulder. I honestly thought I was going to die. Not sure how much blood got pumped through my heart but it felt like it was going to explode. I have no idea how I actually made it to the next junction, god only knows but it was absolutely terrifying. The exhaustion afterwards was intense. Haven’t been on one since or a duel carriage way. Neither do I venture far from home alone. Turns out it’s exacerbated by agoraphobia, so now I have a new anxiety to add to the list! So that’s why I like to read what you write, a fellow member of what my mum likes to call, with her tongue firmly in her cheek, The Nervous Wreck Society!
Hollywood (and TV) has a lot to answer for in their portrayal of panic attacks; I was absolutely in denial that I was having them last year because they didn't come with jazz hands. Took a lot of CBT to process that one!
People quite often faint with panic in movies which gives people irl the fear of fainting when they begin to panic. I had a phobia of fainting for decades.
I just wanted to thank you for once again writing about these topics so eloquently. I suffer with OCD and over the years, your writings have helped my husband and I enormously. You put into words just how I'm feeling, make me feel less alone and help my husband and loved ones to understand - I just have to hand them your writing - Thank you
Your words are a tonic and soothe my soul. It’s such a radical act of generosity to share the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Thank you for talking about mental health. Thank you for making all of those who have suffered (anxiety queen over here) feel less alone. 💛
I don't have OCD but somebody very close to me does. At the hardest times, dealing with the most ridiculous but terrifying what ifs your posts and interviews have helped me and the person suffering to recognise that it is not just them and that is invaluable beyond words.
The fact is OCD is not about neatly organising your pencil case, it is about thinking the worst things, latching on to them and at times, letting them impact your reality despite how illogical they might be. Please keep talking and spreading awareness because it helps people suffering and those around them to contextualise, digest and respond to them.
I have such a huge amount of sympathy for people having to deal with loved ones who have OCD because it’s SUCH a mad illness, so irrational and hard to beat that trying to deal with it from the outside must be exhausting. I’m glad you keep trying x
I’m so glad you saw this comment. At the height of an episode last year I heard you speak with Annie Mac.
You mentioned about once thinking you were a robot or something and it lifted the fog of understanding I probably still had. Once I understood, it meant the person close to me could open up to somebody for the first time ever without feeling like they would be labelled insane and ultimately proved to be a turning point. Thank you!
Another fabulous and honest post Bella. My 15-year-old son is autistic and struggles with school due to the fact it’s not for fit purpose for a ND brain. He has chronic anxiety and has recently been diagnosed with depression. This I thought I could help him with. I’ve suffered on and off over the years but it seems how it manifests for him (everything slowing down, numbness, no energy) is different to mine, which is often quite fury-based and just dreadfully sad. After reading your interpretation of it, a lightbulb went off so I’m going to reframe how I attempt to help him through this low patch of his life. Thanks as ever for being so blummin honest. No-one talked about his when I was younger (and I’m 51, not 71) so I feel my son has much more of a fighting chance than I did of getting the right help.
Bella I am so grateful for the way you talk about mental illness, for me you are one of the only people who describes almost exactly how I feel and makes me feel seen. I remember a study came out recently saying everything feels better in the morning - and this could not feel farther from the truth for me - as you described above, the mornings bring a tight chest and jaw and a huge feeling of dread. Thank you so much for continuing to share your experiences, it means the world xx
Mornings are the worrrrst! Ridiculous study! Everything feels better at 9pm after a glass of wine (even if that goes against everything doctors say about mental health). X
Hi Bella, I’m so grateful to you for continuing to write about this. I read jog on when it came out and then bought a copy for my daughter when she was going through a tough time with panic attacks at uni and it was a massive help to her too. I have had pretty constant anxiety for my whole adult life and although it’s pretty well managed with medication I’m about to embark on some more counselling to try and deal with the intrusive thoughts which have become more frequent and are bloody torturing me just now. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Xx
When I was 14 and then again when I was 15 I had two of the worst bouts of depression triggered by absolutely relentless intrusive thoughts, rumination literally felt like my brain was playing the same record on loop all day every day for months at a time, and the longer the panic stayed the more I was convinced it would stay forever. It didn’t. I’m 17 now and was diagnosed with autism at 16 so have learnt lots of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts are to do with this - a painful acknowledgement as I can’t medicate this. But it’s posts like this that got me through the absolute depths of my misery when I was a younger teenager, and discovering so much of your writing when I did, Bella, completely transformed my life. I wasn’t insane all the time you were experiencing it too and articulating it in the way you were, and I’m so grateful to you for being part of what made me realise I could live a fulfilling life alongside my intrusive thoughts and anxiety, and they definitely would lessen over time. I’m so so so glad I held onto the hope everything would get better, because it did x
When I was in my worst bout of depression I remember very clearly how much I wished I could just die. I would drive to work and fantasise about getting hit by a truck and it all being over. Or cross the road and hope the bus driver just made a horrible mistake and hit me.
I remember talking to my psychologist about it because I used to have to fill out a “depression questionnaire” every time I was there for them to somehow measure my “level” of depression. The question was always “are you suicidal?”, I always answered no. I didn’t want to commit suicide. I wanted to die, but I didn’t want to be responsible for it, I wanted to be gone but not for it to be my fault.
I don’t know if the system has changed now but I always felt the distinction was very important but not taken very seriously. I think these feelings can be overlooked because someone isn’t actually actively thinking about killing themselves. I wasn’t taken seriously by my doctor because I didn’t actually want to kill myself. This felt so wrong to me and I think it took me a lot longer to get the help I needed because of it. I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences.
This was actually very difficult to write down but hope that, like you, if someone reads it and it helps somehow then it’s worth it.
Thank you for writing this. It’s such a good point. I was also asked if I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t but I didn’t want to live. And for me, an anxious person above all else, that was completely terrifying. The idea that I no longer cared was so foreign and scary that it should’ve been ringing alarm bells for experts but because I didn’t “have thoughts of self harm” it wasn’t.
I work in the system and sadly it hasn’t changed 😔 Everyone has to have a “score”. We still have to note down whether people have intention or a fixed plan, but are less concerned when they report total indifference which to me is just as frightening.
You’re so right Ashley - it’s an important distinction that is still (in my experience) overlooked, having felt the same. I hope you are feeling more at peace now.
Thanks Laura. I am in a much better place now thankfully. Sorry to hear you’ve felt the same but it’s nice to not feel alone in it ♥️
I genuinely can’t thank you for how much you share. I had never heard anybody describe anxiety in a way I could identify with before…I sobbed in a car park when I finished Jog In and realised I wasn’t mad, or dying and I have moved my body consistently since, it helps so much and I think of the impact of that book regularly. ❤️ x
Oh laura ❤️❤️❤️
The way in which you describe and express your MH is so refreshing and incredibly helpful to others. Keep on doing what you’re doing Bella. You have helped me understand my daughter who does not wish to articulate her feelings towards her own MH :(
I’m so sorry your daughter doesn’t want to talk. She will one day and she’ll be so glad you were always there trying to understand x
Keep writing about it Bella. What you write makes me feel more normal. I’ve had the rollercoaster of anxiety /depression and ocd (mainly pure O, although I do love to check the odd light switch, cooker knob and door lock for good measure) for the best part of 25 years and over that time I have learned to cope with all the crap it throws at me. 2 years ago I hit a new low with a panic attack on a motorway. It was approximately 8 minutes to the nearest junction, it was 10.30pm at night, pitch black, and no hard shoulder. I honestly thought I was going to die. Not sure how much blood got pumped through my heart but it felt like it was going to explode. I have no idea how I actually made it to the next junction, god only knows but it was absolutely terrifying. The exhaustion afterwards was intense. Haven’t been on one since or a duel carriage way. Neither do I venture far from home alone. Turns out it’s exacerbated by agoraphobia, so now I have a new anxiety to add to the list! So that’s why I like to read what you write, a fellow member of what my mum likes to call, with her tongue firmly in her cheek, The Nervous Wreck Society!
Hollywood (and TV) has a lot to answer for in their portrayal of panic attacks; I was absolutely in denial that I was having them last year because they didn't come with jazz hands. Took a lot of CBT to process that one!
People quite often faint with panic in movies which gives people irl the fear of fainting when they begin to panic. I had a phobia of fainting for decades.
(My) reality is more likely to run to the loo, but that's not sexy enough for the films!
I hate its not enough that we have the things to begin with, but then the added fears and phobias fuelled by their externalisation.
I just wanted to thank you for once again writing about these topics so eloquently. I suffer with OCD and over the years, your writings have helped my husband and I enormously. You put into words just how I'm feeling, make me feel less alone and help my husband and loved ones to understand - I just have to hand them your writing - Thank you
That makes me very happy (not happy that either of us have ocd but you know what I mean). I hope you’re doing ok x
Your words are a tonic and soothe my soul. It’s such a radical act of generosity to share the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Thank you for talking about mental health. Thank you for making all of those who have suffered (anxiety queen over here) feel less alone. 💛
Thank you Kathy x
I don't have OCD but somebody very close to me does. At the hardest times, dealing with the most ridiculous but terrifying what ifs your posts and interviews have helped me and the person suffering to recognise that it is not just them and that is invaluable beyond words.
The fact is OCD is not about neatly organising your pencil case, it is about thinking the worst things, latching on to them and at times, letting them impact your reality despite how illogical they might be. Please keep talking and spreading awareness because it helps people suffering and those around them to contextualise, digest and respond to them.
I have such a huge amount of sympathy for people having to deal with loved ones who have OCD because it’s SUCH a mad illness, so irrational and hard to beat that trying to deal with it from the outside must be exhausting. I’m glad you keep trying x
I’m so glad you saw this comment. At the height of an episode last year I heard you speak with Annie Mac.
You mentioned about once thinking you were a robot or something and it lifted the fog of understanding I probably still had. Once I understood, it meant the person close to me could open up to somebody for the first time ever without feeling like they would be labelled insane and ultimately proved to be a turning point. Thank you!
Another fabulous and honest post Bella. My 15-year-old son is autistic and struggles with school due to the fact it’s not for fit purpose for a ND brain. He has chronic anxiety and has recently been diagnosed with depression. This I thought I could help him with. I’ve suffered on and off over the years but it seems how it manifests for him (everything slowing down, numbness, no energy) is different to mine, which is often quite fury-based and just dreadfully sad. After reading your interpretation of it, a lightbulb went off so I’m going to reframe how I attempt to help him through this low patch of his life. Thanks as ever for being so blummin honest. No-one talked about his when I was younger (and I’m 51, not 71) so I feel my son has much more of a fighting chance than I did of getting the right help.
Bella I am so grateful for the way you talk about mental illness, for me you are one of the only people who describes almost exactly how I feel and makes me feel seen. I remember a study came out recently saying everything feels better in the morning - and this could not feel farther from the truth for me - as you described above, the mornings bring a tight chest and jaw and a huge feeling of dread. Thank you so much for continuing to share your experiences, it means the world xx
Mornings are the worrrrst! Ridiculous study! Everything feels better at 9pm after a glass of wine (even if that goes against everything doctors say about mental health). X
AGREED!! The evenings are the only time I feel properly peaceful when I’ve got my phone on airplane mode and I get to just be xx
Your writing always helps! You often articulate things I’ve not been able to express myself. Jog On was a big turning point for me - thank you!
Hi Bella, I’m so grateful to you for continuing to write about this. I read jog on when it came out and then bought a copy for my daughter when she was going through a tough time with panic attacks at uni and it was a massive help to her too. I have had pretty constant anxiety for my whole adult life and although it’s pretty well managed with medication I’m about to embark on some more counselling to try and deal with the intrusive thoughts which have become more frequent and are bloody torturing me just now. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Xx
When I was 14 and then again when I was 15 I had two of the worst bouts of depression triggered by absolutely relentless intrusive thoughts, rumination literally felt like my brain was playing the same record on loop all day every day for months at a time, and the longer the panic stayed the more I was convinced it would stay forever. It didn’t. I’m 17 now and was diagnosed with autism at 16 so have learnt lots of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts are to do with this - a painful acknowledgement as I can’t medicate this. But it’s posts like this that got me through the absolute depths of my misery when I was a younger teenager, and discovering so much of your writing when I did, Bella, completely transformed my life. I wasn’t insane all the time you were experiencing it too and articulating it in the way you were, and I’m so grateful to you for being part of what made me realise I could live a fulfilling life alongside my intrusive thoughts and anxiety, and they definitely would lessen over time. I’m so so so glad I held onto the hope everything would get better, because it did x
I needed this after seeing another hideous video by Joanna Moncrieff! I should know better not to watch or read anything she says.