This. Thank you so much Bella. I am exactly in the same cycles and thought I was the only one. I think it’s linked to the way productivity and happiness is sold to us as a constant, as a given if you do the right things. And then you do the things and you have anxiety and it doesn’t add up. I am on SSRIs at the beginning of the journey and have been feeling almost like a high. When I realize I am high it makes me even higher to think I have “won” over myself. Then I get low again and I feel like I’ll never be up again.
Thank you for your brave and honest article. Anxiety is part of who I am. I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that I will always have anxiety hovering in the background. It’s only taken me about forty years to realise that. AND several therapists, CBT etc. it does help to know there are others cycling through the same thing .🙏🏼
I am so sorry to hear you’re going through it, Bella, but as someone slowly emerging from one of the most intense health anxiety spirals of my life, I felt so seen and understood by your words. I struggle to accept many of my symptoms as anxiety because despite telling other people how powerful it can be, it seems I can’t apply the same logic to myself when I’m going through it. Sending so much love x
Goodness yes, I do remember a time when hospital was my concrete mother.. I was happy to stay there over a month.. looked after. Not now, too many germs and scary things.. but then, yes. I felt like I was doing okay till the man knocked on the door to read the meter yesterday.. I wasn't prepared in time to decline.. i was expecting a delivery..and so in he came.. the rest of the day spent replaying the interaction, questioning if he was actually a meter reader, did I even look at his lanyard.. wasn't that a perfect way to gain entry to someone's home.. who gets near enough to read a lanyard.. I have managed to reassure myself he had nothing to gain by peering into my understairs cupboard, and I've anti-bac'd the handle, but yes, I am not fine
Heartburn. It's a bugger. I occasionally get it and it's a digestive thing, not anxiety..but hey, it's still heartburn. I find liquid Gaviscon the only remedy that works ..at once. The tablets don't. You can get the liquid in a big bottle, or in a box of little sachets, which stop you glugging down a pint. Worth trying. No other meds work for me.
😥Yet again, you capture and humanise my experiences with anxiety, thank you.
When my estranged Dad died last year, I was so proud of myself for “coping well”, yet within a few weeks my anxiety was unravelling, heartburn was giving me a feeling of air hunger, insomnia was torturing me and when I did fall asleep I woke mid panic attack, I was obsessively checking my heart rate and was convinced there was an underlying issue. Every time it returns, I’m so disappointed I’m not “better” but I need to accept it’s part of me, and the good times still require maintenance too!
** Try a double dose of omeprazole in the morning…I find as my anxiety improves, I forget to take it and this is a good indicator I don’t need it anymore.
Sending love from one anxious crow to another ❤️ x
That’s so kind of you laura. And I’m so sorry about your dad, I can’t imagine how difficult that was. It’s so strange that our brains often can’t focus on the real sadness or pain in front of us and instead have to conjure up imagined worries in order to cope x
I remember so well when hospital was my 'concrete mother.' That's a wonderful name for it. I had a loving, caring husband and friends who were there, literally, for me at one phone call. But when I was having a series of obstetric crises..I'll spare you the full saga..I felt completely safe only when I stepped through the doors of the John Radcliffe Maternity wing and onto the blue carpet. That carpet was my touchstone. Once on it, all would be well, I would be looked after. I was safe. I understand totally what you say.
When I was having a particularly shit time back in 2021, I bought HTKYF and I found it immensely soothing. Not really sure why, exactly, perhaps nothing more complicated than the fact it’s very well-written escapism. So whilst you tend to your own fires, just know you’re putting out other people’s.
And no, I didn’t buy it thinking it was a self-help book.
I was just scrolling through some old photos and came across ones leading up to my first “mental health crisis” I used to look back on them with pity and distance because it felt like a solitary event but now I’ve had about 2 more I realised that I’m probably not every going to be “cured” which is oddly relieving ?? I think it eliminates the illusion of control I have over stopping it and also a knowledge that I do always come out of them alive
(One of those was a break up so I almost don’t count it against myself - why am I counting them against myself anyway..?)
You should definitely be aware of the warning signs but I also think it’s good to brazenly forget and go boldly into life sometimes - not ticking off symptoms from a checklist every time you feel them.
And why shouldn’t you celebrate achievements like not feeling anxiety for 6 months - it’s new arrival does not diminish what you have done up until now!! Crow away!
I think part of my OCD/anxiety is the idea that if I’d done this or if I’d not done that I wouldn’t be here with this anxiety and feeling proud of myself for not having is definitely something I would later punish myself for but that’s not right. We’re just trying to be normal like everyone else (wines and vape ❤️)
It’s a fine balance and I certainly haven’t found it yet 😅
I have really awful heartburn at the moment too from upping my citalopram a few months ago, does it ever go??
Thanks Bella for your honesty as always. In perimenopause I found with HRT that it cured my anxiety and irrational thinking however as my oestrogen levels continued to decrease every 6 months I needed to increase the dosage so I would definitely look at increasing your dosage.. I started on 25mg and and have been on 100mg for a few years now and feel so much better... I have been through the menopause now (had to have a hysterectomy) and have also been on testosterone for about a year and that has also helped my memory and my mood plus muscle mass - I just feel more 'me'.
Also to anyone reading this, you don't have to come off HRT once you have been through the menopause - my Mum was forced to years ago (she was on it for 25 years and GP's insisted she came off it) and her bones have crumbled since and her general health has deteriorated... It protects you from so much! Hope this has helped..
I think most people are ostriches when it comes to their mental and physical health .
As for the heartburn I found drinking something fizzy while eating like lemonade or even fizzy water eased it.
In terms of remedies bisodol tablets available in chemists and some supermarkets( my Sainsburys has it) . Yellow tube of tablets sold in a box of 4 tubes . They seem to work for me better than any other OTC remedy .
Thank you so much for this post. I now identify as an ostrich 😂 anyway in what you’ve said is true. At 38 and single parent I’ve thrown so much at therapy where I’ve felt amazing 6-12 months later I find myself back in a dark hole. Then last year I did CBT thought it was the best thing ever because everything shifted mentally. 6 months in I’m back in that hole, I genuinely thought I was invincible with any stresses that are thrown at me but I was wrong so so wrong. I should’ve had my blueprint list of what I enjoy doing to keep my mental tank full but I’ve completely rejected it. Again thank you for this wake up call it means a lot to myself and anyone else who’s in this mental wobble desperately seeking a way out when you have no one else to turn to. Look after yourself too ❤️
See it’s so interesting because when I read your post, I just think “wow, she has a hard time and she still manages to dig herself out of the pit and find joy and hope. How amazing.” Whereas you see your own situation and feel disappointment that you (naturally) have real low points. Maybe it’s about giving yourself a break sometimes. X
Oh god do I know that ostrich feeling too well. I went through a 2-year stable period and really thought I’d cracked the anxiety/depression thing once and for all. I’d even talk about it in the past tense. When I had a mental breakdown last year I couldn’t believe how badly it hit me (I’m tentatively speaking about it in the past tense now). As you say though, the warning signs are often there and I blissfully ignored them thinking I was fine. But retrospectively, seeing the number 13 on my phone regularly and constantly obsessively thinking something bad was about to happen was perhaps a warning sign I should not have ignored! If you are up to it, please do share your 1000 words on Jeff Bezos’ wedding, there’s nothing quite as uplifting as collectively laughing at billionaires!
This. Thank you so much Bella. I am exactly in the same cycles and thought I was the only one. I think it’s linked to the way productivity and happiness is sold to us as a constant, as a given if you do the right things. And then you do the things and you have anxiety and it doesn’t add up. I am on SSRIs at the beginning of the journey and have been feeling almost like a high. When I realize I am high it makes me even higher to think I have “won” over myself. Then I get low again and I feel like I’ll never be up again.
Thank you for your brave and honest article. Anxiety is part of who I am. I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that I will always have anxiety hovering in the background. It’s only taken me about forty years to realise that. AND several therapists, CBT etc. it does help to know there are others cycling through the same thing .🙏🏼
Yours in full ostrich solidarity. From somewhere under the sand.
I am so sorry to hear you’re going through it, Bella, but as someone slowly emerging from one of the most intense health anxiety spirals of my life, I felt so seen and understood by your words. I struggle to accept many of my symptoms as anxiety because despite telling other people how powerful it can be, it seems I can’t apply the same logic to myself when I’m going through it. Sending so much love x
I totally get that. It’s as if you can recognise that those symptoms would be valid in someone else but not it you, ergo it must be something bad xx
Goodness yes, I do remember a time when hospital was my concrete mother.. I was happy to stay there over a month.. looked after. Not now, too many germs and scary things.. but then, yes. I felt like I was doing okay till the man knocked on the door to read the meter yesterday.. I wasn't prepared in time to decline.. i was expecting a delivery..and so in he came.. the rest of the day spent replaying the interaction, questioning if he was actually a meter reader, did I even look at his lanyard.. wasn't that a perfect way to gain entry to someone's home.. who gets near enough to read a lanyard.. I have managed to reassure myself he had nothing to gain by peering into my understairs cupboard, and I've anti-bac'd the handle, but yes, I am not fine
Heartburn. It's a bugger. I occasionally get it and it's a digestive thing, not anxiety..but hey, it's still heartburn. I find liquid Gaviscon the only remedy that works ..at once. The tablets don't. You can get the liquid in a big bottle, or in a box of little sachets, which stop you glugging down a pint. Worth trying. No other meds work for me.
😥Yet again, you capture and humanise my experiences with anxiety, thank you.
When my estranged Dad died last year, I was so proud of myself for “coping well”, yet within a few weeks my anxiety was unravelling, heartburn was giving me a feeling of air hunger, insomnia was torturing me and when I did fall asleep I woke mid panic attack, I was obsessively checking my heart rate and was convinced there was an underlying issue. Every time it returns, I’m so disappointed I’m not “better” but I need to accept it’s part of me, and the good times still require maintenance too!
** Try a double dose of omeprazole in the morning…I find as my anxiety improves, I forget to take it and this is a good indicator I don’t need it anymore.
Sending love from one anxious crow to another ❤️ x
That’s so kind of you laura. And I’m so sorry about your dad, I can’t imagine how difficult that was. It’s so strange that our brains often can’t focus on the real sadness or pain in front of us and instead have to conjure up imagined worries in order to cope x
So true x
I remember so well when hospital was my 'concrete mother.' That's a wonderful name for it. I had a loving, caring husband and friends who were there, literally, for me at one phone call. But when I was having a series of obstetric crises..I'll spare you the full saga..I felt completely safe only when I stepped through the doors of the John Radcliffe Maternity wing and onto the blue carpet. That carpet was my touchstone. Once on it, all would be well, I would be looked after. I was safe. I understand totally what you say.
I’ve been a bit ostrich like of late. I came off Citalopram in March but have been feeling low. That checklist is a great idea. Sending love 💕
When I was having a particularly shit time back in 2021, I bought HTKYF and I found it immensely soothing. Not really sure why, exactly, perhaps nothing more complicated than the fact it’s very well-written escapism. So whilst you tend to your own fires, just know you’re putting out other people’s.
And no, I didn’t buy it thinking it was a self-help book.
Ha! Thank you that makes me happy.
I was just scrolling through some old photos and came across ones leading up to my first “mental health crisis” I used to look back on them with pity and distance because it felt like a solitary event but now I’ve had about 2 more I realised that I’m probably not every going to be “cured” which is oddly relieving ?? I think it eliminates the illusion of control I have over stopping it and also a knowledge that I do always come out of them alive
(One of those was a break up so I almost don’t count it against myself - why am I counting them against myself anyway..?)
You should definitely be aware of the warning signs but I also think it’s good to brazenly forget and go boldly into life sometimes - not ticking off symptoms from a checklist every time you feel them.
And why shouldn’t you celebrate achievements like not feeling anxiety for 6 months - it’s new arrival does not diminish what you have done up until now!! Crow away!
I think part of my OCD/anxiety is the idea that if I’d done this or if I’d not done that I wouldn’t be here with this anxiety and feeling proud of myself for not having is definitely something I would later punish myself for but that’s not right. We’re just trying to be normal like everyone else (wines and vape ❤️)
It’s a fine balance and I certainly haven’t found it yet 😅
I have really awful heartburn at the moment too from upping my citalopram a few months ago, does it ever go??
This is such a lovely message Rachel. You have no idea how much it lifted me xx
Many of your pieces have uplifted me! Xx
And yes the heartburn does go eventually but it feels so bad doesn’t it?
Sick of it! 🤣🔥
Thanks Bella for your honesty as always. In perimenopause I found with HRT that it cured my anxiety and irrational thinking however as my oestrogen levels continued to decrease every 6 months I needed to increase the dosage so I would definitely look at increasing your dosage.. I started on 25mg and and have been on 100mg for a few years now and feel so much better... I have been through the menopause now (had to have a hysterectomy) and have also been on testosterone for about a year and that has also helped my memory and my mood plus muscle mass - I just feel more 'me'.
Also to anyone reading this, you don't have to come off HRT once you have been through the menopause - my Mum was forced to years ago (she was on it for 25 years and GP's insisted she came off it) and her bones have crumbled since and her general health has deteriorated... It protects you from so much! Hope this has helped..
Oh fuck. The heartburn. Just realised this is me
I think most people are ostriches when it comes to their mental and physical health .
As for the heartburn I found drinking something fizzy while eating like lemonade or even fizzy water eased it.
In terms of remedies bisodol tablets available in chemists and some supermarkets( my Sainsburys has it) . Yellow tube of tablets sold in a box of 4 tubes . They seem to work for me better than any other OTC remedy .
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this post. I now identify as an ostrich 😂 anyway in what you’ve said is true. At 38 and single parent I’ve thrown so much at therapy where I’ve felt amazing 6-12 months later I find myself back in a dark hole. Then last year I did CBT thought it was the best thing ever because everything shifted mentally. 6 months in I’m back in that hole, I genuinely thought I was invincible with any stresses that are thrown at me but I was wrong so so wrong. I should’ve had my blueprint list of what I enjoy doing to keep my mental tank full but I’ve completely rejected it. Again thank you for this wake up call it means a lot to myself and anyone else who’s in this mental wobble desperately seeking a way out when you have no one else to turn to. Look after yourself too ❤️
See it’s so interesting because when I read your post, I just think “wow, she has a hard time and she still manages to dig herself out of the pit and find joy and hope. How amazing.” Whereas you see your own situation and feel disappointment that you (naturally) have real low points. Maybe it’s about giving yourself a break sometimes. X
Oh god do I know that ostrich feeling too well. I went through a 2-year stable period and really thought I’d cracked the anxiety/depression thing once and for all. I’d even talk about it in the past tense. When I had a mental breakdown last year I couldn’t believe how badly it hit me (I’m tentatively speaking about it in the past tense now). As you say though, the warning signs are often there and I blissfully ignored them thinking I was fine. But retrospectively, seeing the number 13 on my phone regularly and constantly obsessively thinking something bad was about to happen was perhaps a warning sign I should not have ignored! If you are up to it, please do share your 1000 words on Jeff Bezos’ wedding, there’s nothing quite as uplifting as collectively laughing at billionaires!