After my first piece here I got stumped by what to write next. Last week I typed out a thousand words on something, but the thoughts were garbled and I didn’t feel like I’d gotten close to what I wanted to say. It made me irrationally annoyed. But today I realised that this platform is not a traditional publication and I am free to write in any way I like. So here’s a list instead. It’s written in the hope that some of you who might have felt unmoored from reality at points this year feel a little less alone.
So behold, a list of some of the mildly ridiculous things I did this year. Most of them were understandable at the time. Some I look back on and wince at. A few make me laugh and a couple make me feel pretty sad. There are shit tonnes more but these are the “highlights”. Feel free to add yours in the comments.
March, April, May:
Developed a bleach addiction. I have never used much bleach when cleaning. I was fairly slovenly before, the anti Mrs Hinch if you will. So bleach was a tool I was not equipped to handle. And I handled it a lot. My hands burned like fire for at least a month. I sloshed it everywhere. It came to head one neurotic evening where I ate a cornetto and then had a mild panic attack thinking I’d bleached the packaging and had now ingested the noxious stuff. Yes I was wiping food down with bleach. That is why this one is first on my list. I’ve stopped doing that now.
Wiped my dog down with anti bac wipes when someone stroked him in the park because...yeah. Dogs don’t transmit the virus. Lucky Barney did not get bleached but it was touch and go there for a while.
Silently cried when we left the house because I thought we’d die the moment we crossed paths with another person.
Loudly cried when I saw a woman sitting on the steps of her parents house in the sunshine. I missed my mum so much by then it made me heave. I fervently hope that nice family didn’t see me.
Yelled at a stranger in a supermarket who barged past me, dropped my basket and walked out in rage. I stand by it. He was a dick flagrantly flouting the one way system all so he could get to the humous faster. And he had bad shoes. Fuck that guy.
Made Greg wipe down takeaway boxes and loudly hissed if they went on the table. I am amazed he is still here actually. Truly a low point for him I’d imagine. Marry someone fun who promises to make you laugh and instead turns out to shriek wildly if you touch anything she deems dangerous.
Lifted weights and ran daily. You can exercise too much and at some point, you’re not getting endorphins, you’re just trying to dodge the freak out. Doesn’t work. Only fuels the obsessional bent.
Bought tonic water because someone on a whatsapp group told me it was going to fight covid. I don’t like tonic water. I have three bottles to remind me of this particular desperate moment. Serves me right.
Took up cross stitching. Oh Christ I am not a cross stitcher.
June, July, August:
Got mask obsessed. Dark times angrily mouthing at people on buses who wore them round their chins. Not a good reflection of me, the weirdo waving at strangers. I cannot promise that I don’t do this now. But I do it less.
Watched the entire back catalogue of Grand Designs instead of the New York Times list of 100 great movies. It’s fine. I’m not going to beat myself up but that was a choice and I don’t think it was the admirable one.
Cried on the street when I saw a bird. The bird wasn’t doing anything sad. The bird was fine.
Cried in a park I went to with my mum approximately twice in my life.
Googled “good news corona” so often it’s now on my suggested searches.
Had a fight with my sister that lasted 6 weeks. Don’t do this with the people you love the most in a fucking pandemic.
Pitched a book idea to a lovely editor I know, the subject of which I had no real experience of. To his credit, he was very nice about it. I still shudder.
Got really into spy novels. I do not like spy novels.
Ran the other way when a cyclist coughed near me. She noticed, then messaged me on Instagram and I felt insane.
Didn’t go to sleep once before 2am because I was scared of the doom thoughts I get in the middle of the night. So instead I got them at 2am just as I got into bed. Genius.
Spent hours on Etsy manically searching out old China which I didn’t buy because I don’t need 24 mismatched tea cups or three serving plates but it felt soothing while I was scrolling.
Became a huge (more than ever before!) hypochondriac and decided every twinge was a deathly illness. Developed new twinges daily as a result of this fun thought cycle. Woke up consistently through the night thinking about death. No wonder I don’t like going to bed.
Got into a screaming fight with a covid denier in Tesco which ended when he called me disgusting for believing in it. He also had terrible shoes. COINCIDENCE?
Hugged my dad through a plastic sheet. To be fair, he is the one who bought said sheet and who threw it over me. But it’s still mildly crazy. I cried. Obviously.
September, October, November:
The clearest thing I remember from these months is how much I confidence I lost. In writing, in basic living, in whether my dog was happy. I had dreams where my husband left me, and then told my husband about the dreams as if asking him to rebut his dream twin’s caddish behaviour.
Listened to a lot of a) bagpipe music and b) Yiddish folk music. My Spotify top list this year truly shows the chaos of 2020 more clearly than those of you who just listened to Taylor Swift on repeat.
Finished the one and only cross stitch I started in March. Actually I’m lying. It’s only nearly finished.
Began to worry about anaphylactic shock. For no reason.
Played approximately 500 games of online scrabble while my husband slept and I was scared of going to sleep. I get angrily competitive with the app now and ascribe it real feelings. When it gets a good word I grudgingly give it props. I apologise in my head when I do the same.
Considered getting Botox in my crumbling face. Considered it several times a day. Still considering it. My face shows the mad thoughts I’ve had all year. I don’t want to see them next year.
Googled houses in the middle of nowhere to move to and start a fully committed prepper life.
Took 1500 photos of stranger’s doors. This might be the fucking weirdest thing actually.
And now here we are at the end of the year. A fairly irrational one for my brain but I know from experience that it could’ve been far worse. I hope you’re able to shrug off any and all crazy thoughts you’ve had this year. Or at least not be too hard on yourself for having them. Ultimately they’re trash thoughts, and they don’t mean anything if you don’t let them. Easy to say!
Thanks for reading.
Have this lovely photo of my much missed Bonnie as a palette cleanser:
I have never felt so lonely and isolated before as I have this year, and that is despite the pandemic. I had a baby just over a year ago, my first, and it was a life changing event for me in many ways but none more so than the damage it has done to my mental health. Is that too negative to say?! Having babies is glorious right?! But yeah - it’s been a bit shit to be quite honest. Reading your newsletter has genuinely made me realise that actually, I shouldn’t be scared of saying the things that might be deemed by some to be controversial or “wrong.” I’m allowed to say the things that are true to me, that are a genuine reflection of how I’m feeling, and I shouldn’t have to hide them away if I don’t want to. So thank you, Bella.
The doors are definitely not weird, we await more!! My housemate and I give a knowing look and say "good door" whenever we see a worthy door on our frequent lockdown runs, especially as ours has a 3 inch gap underneath which would never make it to the list!