Dramatic Ins and Outs for 2025

Featuring Scooters and Ghosts

IN

Toast with butter but no jam. Jam is for losers and scones. If you must, have Marmalade or Marmite. Butter and salt, that’s the right way to do it. Similarly, porridge is a savoury food and I will die on this salty hill.

Wearing those wrap around cotton headbands you last owned when you were 12 and wanted to be a ballet dancer but even then you knew you had the grace of Moo Deng and would never make it. Did you read Ballet Shoes by Noel Streatfeild when you were little? Because I did and that book promised me a glamorous future I never achieved. All I wanted, all I still really want, is an attachė case (even though I’m still slightly unsure as to what differentiates one from a briefcase).

Blue nail varnish which makes your hands look a little bit like those of a corpse. Why does red get all the attention? Let it sit back and work for your attention for once. And blue looks really nice with gold jewellery, which is conveniently what I wear. Silver women intimidate me. They are much more chic than me and I suspect they know that and use their minimalist bracelets to make me feel bad.

Lying on the sofa staring into space in an existential way. When we’re anxious most of us distract ourselves with social media, but maybe just accepting the worst thoughts our brain has to offer is better? I don’t believe this at all, despite what every licensed therapist has told me, but after decades of fighting the thoughts, maybe just letting them wash over me while I lie down (in an elegant way) would be a relief? Maybe if I did this wearing some sort of silky nightgown I’d crack it? Thinking it through, I realise I won’t be trying this out, not even once, but I still think it’s a good idea for one of you.

Hang Gliding. I’m terribly afraid of heights, machinery, flying something which looks like a gussied up tent and the sky, but I have always wanted to float above the world. I regularly have dreams where I’m zooming around two feet off the ground (even in my dreams I’m cautious, any higher would just be a nightmare) and I always wake up disappointed. Really the biggest disappointment of my life (apart from my knees, they let me down daily with their appearance and their constant clicking) is that nobody bothered to put in the effort and make jetpacks we can all use. Sure there are prototypes, you’ll find a few videos of men feebly bouncing around with rucksacks which allow them to fly for a few minutes if you Google, but it’s very basic shit. I would’ve thought some idiotic billionaire with a weird obsession with phrenology would have pumped millions into jetpacks but I guess they’re all too busy trying to stop abortion, so instead we’re left with hang gliders. I will personally not be trying one out this year but I will continue to love the idea. From the ground.

Giving dogs pup cups. I discovered this in 2024 and will be continuing into this new year, mainly because my dog is now obsessed with them and when we pass a coffee shop he locks up his legs and refuses to move until we go in and get him one. Unfortunately the phrase pup cups is absolutely the worst combination of words in the world and also completely unavoidable if you want to order one. However horrendously embarrassed you are ordering it, you cannot get around saying the words out loud. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve asked for some foamy milk for my dog, I’ve tried to order a small cup of cream without even mentioning the dog but eventually you’ll crack and say pup cup in a small apologetic voice and be grateful that the barista doesn’t laugh at you. 

Diet Coke. Listen this has never been an out. It’s always in for me, and for all the cool people you know. Oh you think it’s poison and you only drink water? Enjoy your drink of nothing then. Leave this nectar of the Gods to those who can handle its icy cold indescribable taste and mind your own business. I live for Diet Coke. I am a simp for it. I know the company is garbage, I know it’s probably rotting my insides with every can I drink, but I cannot live without it. I tried for a year, a sad sad year where I drank lemonade and soda water and tried to pretend as if life was better. I was empty inside. Life is too hard to give up this simple pleasure, and it’s never too late to develop a crippling addiction to the sweet stuff. Commit to this in 2025!

Running like a dog. This is a work in progress idea - one which I only had yesterday - but I think it might be the making of me. I was halfway through a run and feeling tired. Then I saw a dog just running around in circles with wild abandon and looking like it was having the time of its life. So I decided to channel this dog (a pomeranian, if you’re wondering), and approach my run with the same enthusiasm. I didn’t try it out on all fours, but I did flap my arms a bit and pump my legs as if I was trotting and do you know what? It spurred me on. I think the type of dog is important here - a bulldog won’t give you the same zing, and my dog only has two working legs and trying to emulate him would mean doing a wonky lollop but ultimately, the dog you choose is up to you. 

Ghosts. Hear me out, but in a world deluged with mad conspiracy theories and stupid people who spread them, maybe we just need a new unscientific thing to focus on? Ghosts seem like a good alternative we can all get behind. Pretty harmless for the most part, I’d guess. At most, they wander around moaning but at best, you’ll have a very cool story you can whip out at any party (or job interview, I reckon that would be good too). Imagine having your own ghost just hanging out in your attic? Or if that’s too close to home, maybe just make up a story about seeing one in an old castle you visited one weekend. Photoshop is so good now, let’s stop letting influencers use it to make their eyes look like those of a Disney princess and use it to make TikToks of ghosts in dark hallways. A fun, innocent trend, and one where no kid is likely to die of measles! 

Saying Pronto when you answer the phone. Italians say it, and they are the most stylish people on earth to my mind. I’ve wanted to say this for about 35 years now, but never have the nerve to do it since I’m not Italian and know I’ll sound like a massive dick. But this year, when the inevitable Foxtons phone call comes (you know the one, they cold call to see if you’d be interested in selling your ‘property’) I’m going to do it. Maybe they’ll stop calling after they hear my perfect Italian accent and think they got the wrong number. 

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OUT

Lattes. Look it’s just milk with flavouring. You’re basically ordering a pup cup. Have a cappuccino. Try a macchiato. Push your boundaries and have a cortado! The latte is how the British got introduced to the idea of proper coffee - nobody wanted to scare our bland palates - but we’re all on board now! You’re better than a latte, honestly you are. You just need a bit of self confidence and I’m here to give it to you. I believe in you, I believe you are strong and capable and beautiful and I know you deserve better than a latte. Try saying this to yourself in the mirror tomorrow before you go to Pret and dream big.

Saying ‘It is what it is.’ What is it? What is it? Love Island language has flooded into common parlance and for the most part I’m completely fine with it but this one phrase means literally nothing and tells me you have nothing of interest to say. It is unacceptable and should be stamped out. Join me, please.

Spotlights. I do not know when these came to be standard lighting but somehow nobody noticed how fucking awful they are and they snuck in and dominated our homes. I cannot express my hatred of ceiling spotlights enough, they are the actual worst form of lighting there is - and I’m old enough to remember lava lamps. Everything looks so sad under the harsh glare of a spotlight, grey and drab and harsh. You will hate how you look every single day of your life if you have them in your home. And if a bulb goes, trying to replace it will take months of reminding yourself to get a new bulb and you’ll have to get a ladder. Once they’re in, it’s forever. Who can be bothered to have them taken out? That’s how we got into this global mess - they won merely because the effort to change them is too immense. Imagine lying on the sofa, staring into the existential void underneath a fucking spotlight. I firmly believe they make anxiety worse, so it’s not just an aesthetic thing (although it mainly is that, I don’t like how well they pick up my forehead lines and make them look like grooves in a dirt road). 

Hats. I don’t suit them so I don’t believe anyone else should be allowed to wear them. Is this fair? No but then it’s not fair that I look like a small farm boy from 1880 in them, the world isn’t fair. Throw away your hats in 2025.

Peonies. This is hard for me to write since they are the most beautiful of flowers in their blousiness and artfully slutty bloom but they break my heart every bloody year. ‘Peony season!’ People cry, and I rush to buy some, always forgetting they’re about 50 quid for three, they die in days and then the season abruptly ends before I’m ready and I can’t have any for another ten months. If the men aren’t busy making jetpacks, why can’t they invent a year round peony? Nobody wants to work anymore and honestly, I find it sad. 

The man at the end of my road who leaves bread out for the foxes. Hyperspecific this one, but we’ve all got a neighbour like this I suspect. I like foxes, let me just state that plainly. I would happily let one come and live in my house if one were so inclined. I don’t even mind that this man leaves food out for them. What I do mind is that it’s always five minutes before I take my dog out for his evening walk and every single night I have to try and yank him away from the bread pile (sometimes it’s plain white, sometimes it’s a pitta, once in a while he leaves a baguette, it’s always a fun little guessing game). My dog weighs 37kg and I am a weak woman. My arm hurts and this man thinks nothing of my pain. That’s why he’s made this list. He also had a sign up supporting Boris Johnson so I don’t feel any guilt saying this.

Handwriting. I already write so little that when I do, my brain almost has to remember how to, which is ridiculous since it’s basically the first thing I ever learned. My writing is messy, thanks in no small part to me being left handed and the world cruelly ignoring me and my kinfolk, and my hand hurts every time I do it. This year, let’s just agree to sack it off and let the pens wither in the rubbish drawer we all have in the kitchen. 

Scooters. Why can’t we just agree that these are for children and only children? Why are we all too polite to say that adults look insane on them? No adult on a scooter has ever respected the highway code, they all go onto the pavement at some point and whizz past you at a speed unacceptable for pedestrians. As previously mentioned, we wanted JET PACKS in the future, not skateboards with a motor and a pathetic little steering stick. Don't agree with me? Imagine you went on a first date and they turned up on a scooter. Now you’re onboard huh?

Air Fresheners in cars. These are a very 80s invention which somehow still exist and make everyone nauseous. I imagine they were mainly to mask the smell of smoking, and they did that successfully, since the smell they emit could overpower a packed crowd at Wembley Stadium, but we don’t need them anymore. If these went away in 2025, it would already be a better year than 2024 (when I got in a taxi that had TWENTY of those hanging tree ones, all in a bunch. I held my head out of the window like a dog).

Lifts without glass so you can’t see out of them. Step into this metal box with a bunch of heavy breathing strangers and trust that it’ll go up ten floors without breaking down? No thank you Sir. At least give me a view, so if the worst happens and we get stuck I can see some glimmer of hope. Which sadist invented lifts? Ok I’ve Googled it, and found a charming website called elevatorhistory.net and the man who invented the electric lift was an anticapitalist with a fairly interesting life but STILL. That was back in 1880! I don’t want to have a 2 hour panic attack in a lift with no window, let’s do better.  

What’s on your list?

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