For most women, there is some amount of inevitable hatred plumbed in about our bodies before we can even articulate that what we are feeling is hatred. It starts young doesn’t it? Startlingly so. I remember being told that I ate too much by a woman who ran the local hardware store when I was about seven. It was as though a switch flipped in my brain and I took her comment to mean that I was not pleasing to look at. I’ve spent most of my life being infuriated or angry about some part of my body. Often about more than one part at a time because women are good at multi-tasking (zing!) I’ve tightrope walked round the edges of disordered eating and over-exercise (sometimes falling over the edges). I’ve been overweight and underweight. There’s never been a moment where I’ve felt like it’s done and finished and I can get on with my life.
There are so many brilliant articles, books and campaigns about body image that to write a whole piece of my own on it wouldn’t add much to the conversation. And also, I find that the language around this subject becomes cliched and overused when done badly, which I’m sure I would do. I’m glad that rhetoric around loving your body helps many people but it doesn’t especially interest me. That could well be my own privilege speaking. I know I inhabit a body which is considered acceptable by a judgemental society. If find it boring, it’s only because I bore myself with these thoughts enough already. There are many brilliant perspectives on it all the same. Marissa Meltzer writes really interestingly on weight - here’s a good piece on body neutrality.
Lockdown has made me think more about how I see my body. Deciding in March 2020 that I’d emerge in summer with a six pack. Realising by June that this was a delusional notion. By the end of the year I realise I was just grateful that my body worked. Health is wealth blah blah, but it’s also fucking true. As this awful period in time has gone on I feel slightly more accepting of the skin I live in. Not “I love my amazing body and I want to show it to the world” levels, but maybe just accepting it a bit more. Thinking about it a little less. It’s the thinking about it that drives me crazy. All the hours wasted thinking about my dumb body when I could’ve been learning French or writing poetry or saving puppies from an icy river. Obviously in reality I would’ve spent those hours watching Grand Designs or painting my nails but that would still have been a better use of my time. Sorry puppies.
I’m trying to roll my eyes when the hateful thoughts about my arse roll in. Or at least laugh at the forensically nasty ways I’ve thought about my body over the past, what, 30 years. So with that, I give you a list. A listicle if you will. All the stupid thoughts I’ve had about my body. Well that’s not true is it? All the thoughts would be a book. A boring, weird and horrible book that would never get published. Instead these are the highlights. Highlights is completely the wrong word but you know what I mean.
Let’s start from the bottom. A reverse heads, shoulders, knees and toes if you will.
Toes - some are longer than they should be? Quite curly which is because I wore shoes two sizes too small for 5 years because I thought big feet weren’t feminine.
Ankles - cursed with the Mackie ankles. The Mackies were mostly farmers. And men. And giants.
Calves - ingrown hairs which leave scars which then stay angry and red for years and years until they fade to grey which is even sadder.
Knees - look like potato smileys but not at all yummy.
Thighs - don’t even go there.
Arse - we haven’t got the time here guys.
Vagina - see calves.
Stomach - I SAID WE HAVEN’T GOT TIME HERE GUYS.
Belly Button - too deep. Also why has the piercing I had done aged 16 stayed visible and forever seems to pick up lint?
Boobs - too big. Too small. Now sagging because they’ve been too big and too small too fucking often.
Back - I can’t see it but if I could I’m sure I’d have things to say. I know there are stretch marks as old as monuments hanging around it.
Tattoos placed sporadically around body aged 16 which have faded and stretched and make my whole soul cringe.
Arms - not like Michelle Obama’s and that’s honestly very sad on the daily.
Elbows - weird folds you can pinch like dough. Psoriasis hostile takeover (est. 2014).
Fingers - stumpy. Poss connected to Mackie ankles.
Nails - V weak. V yellow. Seem to suggest a deeper fragility of character.
Wrists - seem wide. Is that even a thing?
Skin tone in general - v pale but with a lot of red blotching. See Mackie information above (Scottish people know). Psoriasis which surprises me weekly with new pop up shops on my body selling nothing that I want.
Neck - has rings like a tree??
Jaw - not strong. Not discounting possibility that it’s slowly collapsing down into my neck rings.
Ears - “don’t wear your hair up Bella, you have football cup ears” Archie told me when I was 14. I wore my hair down for ten years. Still angry with that guy.
Hair - so flat. Like my mood when I see it. But also remarkably feral and inclined to knot into angry balls if I don’t brush it hourly.
Eyebrows - one is lower than the other which makes one side of my face sad. Matches my mood this year neatly.
Eyes - so small! I squint constantly which only makes this worse.
Nose - broken. Feels like it’s getting bigger with age.
Teeth - chipped, not towie white.
Lips - nah they’re ok! (Anxiety sets in immediately - what if this sounds up myself?).
Face general - mottled, wrinkled but also prone to almost teenage levels of acne which seems very unfair.
Feel free to add your own, laugh at mine or give yourself a compliment instead for a refreshing change of pace!
Other stuff:
To watch - Junior Bake Off. Fucking hell it’s so delightful. I’ve never seen such a group of sweetly clumsy people in one room.
To read - “The Sperm Kings Have a Problem: Too Much Demand”.
Bake - soft amaretti cookies. Trust me when I tell you that they are so good.
Buy - something glittery and cheerful like this lipgloss (I ordered it and I love it). Lipgloss seems to be unfashionable since about 2005 but I’m still strongly riding the shimmer wave.
We all do this *sigh* and know we shouldn’t. Would really love to read your positive listicle too.
This is brilliant. Next I want to read the positive listicle :) you’re amazing!