A horrible gift guide

Don’t buy any of these for someone you love

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Everyone and their mother has written a gift guide of sorts in the past month and I’ve found that these lists are, to put it mildly, divisive. Some people love a good present suggestion, others just love to judge the compiler on their choices. I could offer up a selection of gifts that I think you (a stranger) could give to a loved one (also a stranger) but I’m scared of being judged and also, I’ve left it too late. It’s December the 19th. If you’ve not bought your presents already, you’re almost certainly doing a mad dash round the high street this weekend, ignoring all gift guides and panic buying socks and books your relatives will receive with tepid gratitude. So instead, I’m offering an anti-gift guide. A list of horrendous things you’d never give anyone you love, even if you had the money. Please join me in gawping at the options I present you below -

A CRUISE

Look, some people inexplicably love a cruise and I don’t like to judge. Except I’m lying and I do like to judge. It’s a lovely way to pass some time. Cruises are objectively insane. You board a floating NCP car park, spend your entire trip with strangers, surely always aware that you might fall off the boat in the middle of the night in mysterious circumstances that nobody is legally obliged to investigate, and you pay thousands for the privilege. A cruise just innately feels like a punishment. Remember all the people who got stuck on cruise ships during the outbreak of Covid? Some of those people got straight back on the next boat they could, never mind the (presumably incredibly traumatic) experience of being forcibly quarantined in cabins which dont always have windows. It’s a cult. Don’t believe me? Read this piece from Gary Shteyngart on his trip on the biggest cruise liner and tell me it’s not. Then read this article about the eight people who got LEFT BEHIND on a small island by their boat. Even after that, some of them still booked cruises. The only good reason to book a trip like this would be if you were fleeing the law. If you really hate someone, buying them a cruise would be a perfect present. They’ll be away for at least two weeks and they might even get norovirus as an added bonus.

A TAXIDERMIED ‘UNICORN’

Does a special someone in your life (who you hate) love magic, animals, and hideous home decor? Why not buy them this dead horse which has been gussied up to look like a unicorn (what sane adult wouldn’t want a mythical animal in their front hall?) and have it delivered as a surprise? It’s POA (price on application) so you can’t really afford it, but I still think it’s worth stretching your finances for, just to see the look on their faces as this terrifying crossover of Tory hunting vibes x life laugh love decor is wheeled into their home. It’s so ostentatious and obviously expensive that your enemy can’t even attempt to politely refuse it. It’ll sit in the corner of their sitting room forever (because nobody with sense will buy it off them), haunting them with its sad, sad eyes. I honestly can’t believe it hasn’t been snapped up yet.

A TASTING MENU EXPERIENCE

This one might not be as crowd pleasing as a dead horse in a tiara, but hear me out. Dinner is the best meal of the day, especially if you get to eat with friends and drink a lot of nice wine. Somebody clearly tried this once and thought, why not elevate this experience? Swap out the big bowl of pasta this diner is enjoying for three entirely random ingredients - and make the portion the size of a thimble. Repeat this eight times until the diner has no remaining will to live, and then slap them with a bill so large they’ll have to sell their sitting room unicorn. You might think it’s a treat to shell out for something sold as a gourmet experience but make no mistake, tasting menus are for your enemies and your enemies only. They’ll be so hungry afterwards they’ll have to go find a dubious looking kebab, so really it’s a double punishment.

A RED LETTER DAY

Have you heard the expression “never say yes to something you wouldn’t want to do tomorrow?” Truly, a red letter day is a glaring example of ignoring this important lesson. Ooh a day driving a fast car around a racetrack four hours away! In the rain! A hot air balloon trip which requires leaving the house at 5am! A trip up the shard during a storm where visibility is zero (tbf at least you wouldn’t have to see the shard)! You’d truly only foist one of these experiences on someone you detest. Just think of them schlepping halfway across the country just to get on an old steam train which only travels half an hour up the line. What an excellent spite present. But for people you love, avoid

A COFFEE TABLE BOOK

Look, I’m not immune to them. My sitting room table is in danger of collapsing under the weight of these fucking bricks (clearly people must hate me). I get that they sort of give off an air of culture - ooh a book on brutalist architecture, Bella’s not just an airhead! - but aside from the moments after you unwrap one, you’re never going to open it again. That book of Vogue’s greatest photos will sit there, increasingly stained by coffee mugs, and every once in a while you’ll think about giving it to the charity shop but never will because it was expensive and generous and it makes you feel stylish and grown up when you see it. That book will be in your house when you die. It will be buried with you, plonked onto your chest and weighing you down for eternity. In a thousand years, when they open your coffin, you’ll be dust but “great maps of the world” will be pristine, as untouched as it was the day you unwrapped it.

A TIE

Novelty or not, this tells the recipient you hate them. Nobody is putting thought into a tie, nobody is rushing round the shops bursting with love for the man who will receive said tie. Ties should be illegal. There is literally no point to a tie, and when I think of ties I only ever see Donald Trump and his stupid extra long ones or teen boys and their awkward stubby short ones. Weird phallic nonsense. If you buy a tie for someone, you’re showing your disdain for the receiver and you’re perpetuating this useless tradition. Think carefully, buy them socks instead. Socks also show a blatant lack of thought (I got Greg socks for his birthday, he won’t read this).

THIS FRINGED SEQUIN EMBELLISHED PONCHO

It’s not a gift you’d immediately think of, but it’s in the Net A Porter gift guide, so some unlucky woman is bound to get this for Christmas. A brilliantly bad present, this. Firstly it’s 6k, which is an obscene amount of money to spend on anything but especially on a jumper which has no sleeves. If you’re looking for warmth from the knit, you’re also out of luck since it seems like it’s crocheted and therefore full of massive holes. Secondly, it’s hideous, just completely fucking irredeemable - sequins, shapeless, fringing. You can’t make this work, even the model knows it. But if you opened this on Christmas Day, how the hell would you ask for the receipt? “Thanks so much for my grey sack darling, just what I wanted but perhaps I might change it for one in another colour?” No. You’re doomed to wear it on Christmas Day, possibly accessorised with a paper crown, and wonder what you did to deserve this.

ANYTHING FROM DAYLESFORD

A niche one, but once you know about Lady Bamford and her seemingly limitless ambition to annex Gloucestershire and force everyone in the UK to buy her array of tasteful wares, you won’t be able to get her out of your head. The Bamfords are billionaires (JCB diggers) who loaned Boris Johnson their house for his most recent wedding (and allegedly footed part of the bill), and let him live in their London townhouse after he left Downing Street. There has also been a long running investigation into the Bamford's tax arrangements. All of this is standard super rich person fare but that doesn’t stop the march of Daylesford and its twee faux rural appeal. Yeah the jam jars look nice, yeah the napkins are pretty. But step away. You’re better than this.

A LUSH BATHBOMB

You only have to walk past a Lush store and you’ll smell like you’ve been dunked in one of its mixing vats for the rest of the week. For a brand so well known for ‘natural’ ingredients, it’s staggering how artificial the smell is. It could survive a nuclear bomb. A bathbomb is not a nuclear bomb, but it too has lasting effects. There’s the anticipation - might it give you a yeast infection! - and then the insane mess you have to clean up post bath. Some of the maddest bombs on offer have glitter in them. GLITTER! A yeast infection, but make it sparkly. Just no.

A PUPPY

People who give puppies as presents on Christmas Day are certifiable. A stressful day, full of family members you wish would leave and hyped up kids intent on getting off their nut on chocolate, why not make it more insane by adding in a tiny dog recently wrenched away from its mother? My nice friend Jane who works at Battersea says they get an influx of young dogs come in in February. You do the maths. Save yourself and get a dead horse dressed up as a unicorn instead. Then get an older dog from Battersea who’ll ruin your life in a thousand ways in March. Ours ate an entire panettone stuffed full of raisins last week. That was an unwanted Christmas gift all of its own! Speaking of…

A PANETTONE

Nobody wants this, I hope that helps.

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